In this ongoing series we look at how you can plan, live through and cope with out-of-the-ordinary situations.

Before

Wooden buildings are the safest type of building to be in during an earthquake. Brick is best for wolves. Make sure you know the difference.  High wolf rate in your area? Go for bricks.

There’d be a much greater survival rate if signs were on the back of every door of every room showing the correct procedure to follow during an earthquake. Failing that, the Robert De Niro Taxi Driver poster is just as good.

Have your earthquake survival kit ready. Use common sense when creating this kit. Obviously you’ll need lots of bottled water, porn and cigarettes. Store it in a conveniently placed couch fort.

During

The best way to survive the falling debris during an earthquake is to get above everything. If you have time see if you can make it to the airport.  Once there book a ticket, board a plane and get airborne. This method may not work if the earthquake lasts less than three hours.

Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the foetal position during an earthquake. You should too – it’s a natural survival instinct. Do this in front of your buddies in a little 3.2 tremor and you risk being labelled a pussy however. So it’s best to stand around shouting, “this earthquake is bullshit” as the building collapses around you. You’ll be dead. But cool.

Never go to the stairs during an earthquake. According to scientists stairs are inherently dangerous due to a different “moment of frequency”. Also, never go to a Celine Dion concert. Same deal.

After

If you’re in bed and an earthquake occurs, wait till it’s over then turn to your partner and say, “Did the earth move for you?” Oh fuck – that’s just hilarious. Nobody’s done that before

Go to your stereo and put on that song. You know, the one that goes “the boys are back in town, the boys are back in town”.

Remember the danger of aftershocks and looting. Get gun, don’t sleep.